Question about being a step parent.

[Cope's Distributing]

So as most of you know I just got married. The problem I am asking about is step kids. I now have a step son. He calls me Carmen which is fine with me. My kids who are 6 and 4 want to call my husband dad. I dont tell them to they just choose to since their dad is a POS!!! He gets upset and wants them to call him Nate. He said it is to much for his son to handle. How do I go about making everyone happy and not hurting anyone's feelings.

Please help a sister out...LOL

[Till]

He will have to learn I was the same way with my dad, eventually we clicked and now I love him and would hurt anyone who talks meanly to him.

[Cope's Distributing]

I dont know how to go about it since my parents are still married. He came from a split home and calls his step dad "dad".

[DDgunslinger]

Personally I would respect Nates' wishes for now, I'm sure he will come around eventually... but for me personally being divorced, if I ever found out the my ex wife was having my son call another man "dad". It would be game on and that dude would have his fucking teeth kicked in and would probably not survive the assault.

[ssracer]

Personally I would respect Nates' wishes for now, I'm sure he will come around eventually... but for me personally being divorced, if I ever found out the my ex wife was having my son call another man "dad". It would be game on and that dude would have his fucking teeth kicked in and would probably not survive the assault.

this. One thing my ex and I agreed completely on was that we were the only ones Caden would ever call Mom and Dad

[Cope's Distributing]

Here is my thing. For 8 years I put my kids threw hell. I mean that. My ex their dad,would come home drunk beat me,punch windows out, punch holes in the walls, throw me around, spit in my face. My oldest son who is 6 watched this his whole life. I got a PO 2 years ago. But that made things worse. My son told his father in front of my husband and I,"Dad I have always wanted a family and a dad an now I have that." So you tell me how that is suppose to make me feel. How I am suppose to tell my kids that the man they have come to look up to, as the man they want to be, the man that is a hell of a lot better then their own dad,is Nate not their dad?

[DDgunslinger]

Here is my thing. For 8 years I put my kids threw hell. I mean that. My ex their dad,would come home drunk beat me,punch windows out, punch holes in the walls, throw me around, spit in my face. My oldest son who is 6 watched this his whole life. I got a PO 2 years ago. But that made things worse. My son told his father in front of my husband and I,"Dad I have always wanted a family and a dad an now I have that." So you tell me how that is suppose to make me feel. How I am suppose to tell my kids that the man they have come to look up to, as the man they want to be, the man that is a hell of a lot better then their own dad,is Nate not their dad?

Or you could possibly, talk to your children and to Nate. Find out Nate's opinion on the subject.. if he is not comfortable with it, then yes I guess your kids should call him Nate. However, who knows maybe Nate decides it doesn't bother him and everyone can move forward.

I will note, that his might have been something that should have been figured out/discussed early on the relationship. Anyway, that is just my .02 and I hope everything works out for the best. Once again congrats on the marriage and finding a good guy.

[Cope's Distributing]

Here is my thing. For 8 years I put my kids threw hell. I mean that. My ex their dad,would come home drunk beat me,punch windows out, punch holes in the walls, throw me around, spit in my face. My oldest son who is 6 watched this his whole life. I got a PO 2 years ago. But that made things worse. My son told his father in front of my husband and I,"Dad I have always wanted a family and a dad an now I have that." So you tell me how that is suppose to make me feel. How I am suppose to tell my kids that the man they have come to look up to, as the man they want to be, the man that is a hell of a lot better then their own dad,is Nate not their dad?

Or you could possibly, talk to your children and to Nate. Find out Nate's opinion on the subject.. if he is not comfortable with it, then yes I guess your kids should call him Nate. However, who knows maybe Nate decides it doesn't bother him and everyone can move forward.

I will note, that his might have been something that should have been figured out/discussed early on the relationship. Anyway, that is just my .02 and I hope everything works out for the best. Once again congrats on the marriage and finding a good guy.

We talked about it before we got married. He plainly said as well as I said they can call him Nate or dad it is up to them. He is not trying to replace their dad,but wants to be the dad they need. So why it changed now that we are married is beyond me. His son has a step dad that he calls dad and he has a step brother that he calls his brother. So I am kinda at a loss right now. I dont know if it was just a bad night for him or what but this just kinda came outta the blue.

On a side note, he says it doesnt bother him when it is just my kids and I, but when his son is there is bothers him.

[Rem700]

I recently went through this with my fiances son. He is almost 7 years old and I have been around since he turned 4. He did not start calling me dad on a regular basis until about a year and a half ago. He would flip flop back and forth between calling me dad and calling me Ryan. We sat down one day and just talked about what it means to be a dad. We both agreed a dad takes care of you, helps you, feeds you, clothes you, etc. and after that it kinda clicked with him that this is what a DAD does and that this is what i did for him. I am gonna have to say tell your hubby to suck it up and let them call him Dad if they want to. He entered into a marriage with a women with kids....he should have fully realized that he now is responsible (not legally of course unless he will apodt them) for these kids the same as his own kids. My thoughts are that if he cant handle the simple fact that they want to call him dad then how can he handle actually being a dad to them. I am not trying to bash him in anyway, trust me i know what he is going through and it is not easy. But i think in the end he will get more of a connection with them if they are allowed to call him dad. I can understand it upsets his son and he doesnt like that, but again in the end he needs to realize that this is what he has chosen for himself and his son. His son will eventually get used to it, but like i said he needs to think about what is best for all of you and it seems to me that at this point that would be letting your kids call him dad and just help his own son to get used to it by talking with him about the meaning of marriage and being a dad. Just my 2 cents good luck to all of you as i know this is not an easy situation and i have been there not too long ago.

[Cope's Distributing]

I recently went through this with my fiances son. He is almost 7 years old and I have been around since he turned 4. He did not start calling me dad on a regular basis until about a year and a half ago. He would flip flop back and forth between calling me dad and calling me Ryan. We sat down one day and just talked about what it means to be a dad. We both agreed a dad takes care of you, helps you, feeds you, clothes you, etc. and after that it kinda clicked with him that this is what a DAD does and that this is what i did for him. I am gonna have to say tell your hubby to suck it up and let them call him Dad if they want to. He entered into a marriage with a women with kids....he should have fully realized that he now is responsible (not legally of course unless he will apodt them) for these kids the same as his own kids. My thoughts are that if he cant handle the simple fact that they want to call him dad then how can he handle actually being a dad to them. I am not trying to bash him in anyway, trust me i know what he is going through and it is not easy. But i think in the end he will get more of a connection with them if they are allowed to call him dad. I can understand it upsets his son and he doesnt like that, but again in the end he needs to realize that this is what he has chosen for himself and his son. His son will eventually get used to it, but like i said he needs to think about what is best for all of you and it seems to me that at this point that would be letting your kids call him dad and just help his own son to get used to it by talking with him about the meaning of marriage and being a dad. Just my 2 cents good luck to all of you as i know this is not an easy situation and i have been there not too long ago.

Thanks buddy!!!! This is what I was trying to tell him. I even asked him if he doesnt want my kids to call him dad,when they are 15 adn 16 and he wants to be dad,it will be to late. I asked him to look at the big picture. I think it was just all a big mess last night from his son being upset,and he just didnt know how to handle it at that moment. Like I said we talked about it before we got married.

[ChopperDoc]

Personally I would respect Nates' wishes for now, I'm sure he will come around eventually... but for me personally being divorced, if I ever found out the my ex wife was having my son call another man "dad". It would be game on and that dude would have his fucking teeth kicked in and would probably not survive the assault.

YUP.

The guy that my ex is married to seems to be a decent dude, but there is still a line you don't cross if there is a real dad in the picture and you need to find out what that is from both existing kids as well as the parents / step-parents involved.

My EX (just to piss me off I am sure) sent me paperwork to sign allowing her new hubby to adopt my daughter once way back when.

We won't discuss what transpired after because I am not 100% certain of the statute of limitations.

[Rem700]

Yea i agree it kinda sounds like it was more of the fact that it was upsetting his son and he didnt want to see his son upset. Which is perfectly understandable. But like i said in the end he needs to do what is right for everyone and if that means his son is upset about it for a time then so be it. He just needs to keep talking to his son and explainging how things are now and the meaning of mariage and being a dad etc. Eventually he will come around and things will be fine. Again good luck with all of this and your new marriage/family/life etc.

[Rem700]

o and the only reason i am giving this advice vs talking with everyone including your kids bio dad is that you stated there real dad is a POS....same as my sons real dad. They need a father to look up to and your hubby has chosen to step up to that plate by marrying you, this just goes along with that and he needs to understand that now more than ever.

[Cope's Distributing]

Personally I would respect Nates' wishes for now, I'm sure he will come around eventually... but for me personally being divorced, if I ever found out the my ex wife was having my son call another man "dad". It would be game on and that dude would have his fucking teeth kicked in and would probably not survive the assault.

YUP.

The guy that my ex is married to seems to be a decent dude, but there is still a line you don't cross if there is a real dad in the picture and you need to find out what that is from both existing kids as well as the parents / step-parents involved.

My EX (just to piss me off I am sure) sent me paperwork to sign allowing her new hubby to adopt my daughter once way back when.

We won't discuss what transpired after because I am not 100% certain of the statute of limitations.

Sooo then here is a tricky one for both of you. My ex has a little girl who is a year older then my oldest has nothing to do with her at all since she was 1. Then my 2, an a son that was born in Oct. He has nothing to do with his little girl or his little boy. Doesnt care who raises them or how they even are. So why in the hell should his screwed up past, present, and future have any way in on my children. He has went to the extreme to say some nasty mean shit to me and my children about my marriage. Told my kid that they need to call his gf mom and me Carmen. And to tell Nate that he is not to be around them or me. Any person can be a sperm donor which he is an a worthless one that doesnt help with anything he doesnt even pay child support. Why let him have any say on who they want to be there dad.

[ChopperDoc]

My ex would say that I was a POS as well if you just heard her side of the story.

Even if he is being a POS (from your point of view) I would think it a good idea to ask him his position on the subject if he is in the kids lives. Do this for the kids, not for him.

If he is not in the picture, he has no say.

[Cope's Distributing]

o and the only reason i am giving this advice vs talking with everyone including your kids bio dad is that you stated there real dad is a POS....same as my sons real dad. They need a father to look up to and your hubby has chosen to step up to that plate by marrying you, this just goes along with that and he needs to understand that now more than ever.

I respect everything you are saying!!!

[Rem700]

Personally I would respect Nates' wishes for now, I'm sure he will come around eventually... but for me personally being divorced, if I ever found out the my ex wife was having my son call another man "dad". It would be game on and that dude would have his fucking teeth kicked in and would probably not survive the assault.

YUP.

The guy that my ex is married to seems to be a decent dude, but there is still a line you don't cross if there is a real dad in the picture and you need to find out what that is from both existing kids as well as the parents / step-parents involved.

My EX (just to piss me off I am sure) sent me paperwork to sign allowing her new hubby to adopt my daughter once way back when.

We won't discuss what transpired after because I am not 100% certain of the statute of limitations.

Sooo then here is a tricky one for both of you. My ex has a little girl who is a year older then my oldest has nothing to do with her at all since she was 1. Then my 2, an a son that was born in Oct. He has nothing to do with his little girl or his little boy. Doesnt care who raises them or how they even are. So why in the hell should his screwed up past, present, and future have any way in on my children. He has went to the extreme to say some nasty mean shit to me and my children about my marriage. Told my kid that they need to call his gf mom and me Carmen. And to tell Nate that he is not to be around them or me. Any person can be a sperm donor which he is an a worthless one that doesnt help with anything he doesnt even pay child support. Why let him have any say on who they want to be there dad.

Again this sounds all too familiar. My sons bio dad has 2 other kids whom he wants nothing to do with. The only reason he tries to saty in contact at all is to have some form of control over his baby mama's...yea i said baby mama's lol.....Just the fact that talking to them can get under there skin is enough to give him cause to keep calling or trying to stay in contact. If he doesnt want anything to do with his other kids, but keeps coming back to the kids you have with him....then chances are it is not because of his kids with you, its because he knows what it does to you personally. Again just speaking from experience, so take it for what its worth.

[DDgunslinger]

Personally I would respect Nates' wishes for now, I'm sure he will come around eventually... but for me personally being divorced, if I ever found out the my ex wife was having my son call another man "dad". It would be game on and that dude would have his fucking teeth kicked in and would probably not survive the assault.

YUP.

The guy that my ex is married to seems to be a decent dude, but there is still a line you don't cross if there is a real dad in the picture and you need to find out what that is from both existing kids as well as the parents / step-parents involved.

My EX (just to piss me off I am sure) sent me paperwork to sign allowing her new hubby to adopt my daughter once way back when.

We won't discuss what transpired after because I am not 100% certain of the statute of limitations.

Sooo then here is a tricky one for both of you. My ex has a little girl who is a year older then my oldest has nothing to do with her at all since she was 1. Then my 2, an a son that was born in Oct. He has nothing to do with his little girl or his little boy. Doesnt care who raises them or how they even are. So why in the hell should his screwed up past, present, and future have any way in on my children. He has went to the extreme to say some nasty mean shit to me and my children about my marriage. Told my kid that they need to call his gf mom and me Carmen. And to tell Nate that he is not to be around them or me. Any person can be a sperm donor which he is an a worthless one that doesnt help with anything he doesnt even pay child support. Why let him have any say on who they want to be there dad.

I guess the difference is myself and ChopperDoc give a fu@k about our kids... and have no intentions of letting another man raise them. I fought tooth and nail for my son... and I'll curb stomp any A$$hat that tries to get in the way

[Rem700]

[/quote]I guess the difference is myself and ChopperDoc give a fu@k about our kids... and have no intentions of letting another man raise them. I fought tooth and nail for my son... and I'll curb stomp any A$$hat that tries to get in the way[/quote]


I completely agree with you here. But in copes cause he kids dad is a POS who seems to care more about his affect on her than being there for his kids. IMO he is doing it because of her not because of the kids.

[ChopperDoc]

Good luck. Sounds like you are going to need some of it right now until everyone gets adjusted. I am sure you can work it all out, just going to take patience and maybe the occasional stiff drink to help you sleep.

Congrats on the wedding, BTW. I must have missed that post.

Unlike REM700, I have no experience in dealing with a situation where one parent does not give a crap about the kids.

As a kid I can imagine that having an instant set of siblings is stressful enough, but then having them immediately call their dad "dad" might be a bit too much. I think time will make things easier, and again I wish you luck and hapiness in your new family.

[Paula]

I think the discussion needs to be a family one. If your husband gets you to tell your kids not to call him dad, they will resent it. He needs to be part of that conversation and his son too. This would be a good opportunity to bond as a family. Every family has issues, step Mom and step Dad situations just have different issues.

[Cope's Distributing]

Again this sounds all too familiar. My sons bio dad has 2 other kids whom he wants nothing to do with. The only reason he tries to saty in contact at all is to have some form of control over his baby mama's...yea i said baby mama's lol.....Just the fact that talking to them can get under there skin is enough to give him cause to keep calling or trying to stay in contact. If he doesnt want anything to do with his other kids, but keeps coming back to the kids you have with him....then chances are it is not because of his kids with you, its because he knows what it does to you personally. Again just speaking from experience, so take it for what its worth.

He does do it to get under my skin. That is how he works. There is not one person that knows me and him that like him. My husband says it all the time. He is only acting this way cause he wants to control you. I am not his little toy. The stuff he does just makes me want to scream. He will pick my kids up from school and bring them to my work to yell and scream at me in front of my kids because of something I did. He will have my kids for a few hours on wednesday and call and bitch at me the whole time. He is really spending time with my kids when he is worried about talking to me about something.

[Toddinlou]

Much respect for the real dads posting in this thread.

[GeminiXD9]

It's all about the kids. If they are comfortable callin him dad n real dad dont wanna b a real father then let em do it. As far as your husband, he prolly needs to have a talk with his son n see if he can't get him to somewhat understand the situation. I'm sure it's very confusing and aggravating to him to hear other kids calling his dad "dad" too. Maybe tell him that he is so awesome of a father figure, and your kids are lacking that, that your kids wanna call him dad. It's gonna b a touchy issue im sure but a lil patience and communication works wonders. Being that I'm always with my kids I agree with DD, and others. My kids call another man daddy? Well that'll b the day...... On that note though it takes a man to b a father n really b there for his/and others kids. Good luck and congrats on the marriage. Hope it all works out for u

[GeminiXD9]

Fwiw. My wife and I jus got custody of her 6 year old niece bcuz her parents are dope head pos's. Well its been a year since we got her. And she wants to call us mom and dad all the time. At first I was uncomfortable with it cuz I know how I feel about my kids calling another man dad. But after a few months I kinda got used to it. I had a talk with her n explained to her that she could call me whatever made her happy and that I would always take care of her like a daddy should. After that talk though she calls me uncle dee. Lol. She calls me daddy every now and then especially when I first get home from work when my boys are hollering "hey dad". She will too. Communication is key