Barney Fief: The Most Dangerous Cop Alive

[Harb]

Let me preface by saying that this rant would make no sense if it had been written 40 years ago. Don't take it too seriously.

The Andy Griffith Show first ran in 1960. By the time it was over, it had been given six Emmy awards and had nearly 250 episodes to its credit. The duo of Any Griffith and Don Knotts would define television comedy for a decade. It's been praised as one of the best TV shows ever aired in America.

So why could I possibly have anything bad to say about such a time-honored classic?

Simply put, things change. One of my pet peeves is listening to someone say "Oh, TV shows were so much cleaner back then."

Yes they were...and no they weren't. You might never see a couple, married or not, sleeping in the same bed, but TV shows back then were just as corrupting as they are today.

Specifically, I want to talk about the character Barney Fief. I said the character, not Don Knotts. I love Don. He's funny. Barney Fief on the other hand isn't always as funny.

The Wikipedia entry for the Andy Griffith Show describes the character as "inept, but well-meaning." Fief supplied most of the jokes for the show and the hilarity got more pronounced if he was in the same room with other characters, like Gomer, Goober, or Floyd.

Let's get one thing straight: Barney had the easiest police job in the world. In one episode, while defending Andy's reputation, he says, "There's never been a major crime committed in this county thanks to the Sheriff." Despite that fact, he's always wanting to do bigger things than nab the occasional bootlegger, or take care of the town drunk, Odis. Barney fantasizes about busting large organized syndicates, or getting into a shootout with dangerous thieves. At one point, he even tosses the idea of having Mayberry renamed as "the gateway to danger." Another moment that stands out to me is when Ernst T Bass goes around throwing rocks in people's windows just for fun. Barney puts on a front and says, "No one touch the rock, or else it'll be hard for our boys at the lab to get prints." Andy replies, "Barney, what boys at what lab?"Some of you may recall the episode when Barney tries to draw his pistol for some of Opie's friends. The hammer of his revolver gets snagged on the holster and he discharges it into the ground (like a certain ATF agent we all know and love).

Not only is Barney inept with his equipment, but he fails to understand the true meaning of being a peace officer. In one episode, two farmers come in with a dispute: Farmer 1 wants to build a fence. Farmer 2 claims that it'll block the sunlight for his plants. They start shouting. Barney loses all control of the situation and immediately throws them in jail. Andy comes by shortly afterwards and resolves the matter. In short, he has no people skills.

The best example of this is when a shop owner keeps sweeping trash into the sewer. Barney eventually gives him a ticket after repeated warnings. The man is furious, and says he'll beat Barney into a pulp when he sees him out of uniform. Rather than arrest the man on the spot for threatening an officer of the law, Barney cowers, wearing his uniform everywhere to every occasion because it makes him feel protected. When Andy finds out what's going on, does he arrest the shop owner? No! He finds Barney's judo instructor, dresses him up in Barney's clothes, and deliberately entraps the shop owner into a violent confrontation.

Most of the humor from the show involved Barney trying to do something stupid and Andy having to reign him in. Heck, in one episode Barney is threatened with losing his job because he's too thin. It's ironic that we have the exact opposite problem.

Let's talk about Andy for a minute. He's certainly a better peace officer. He never carries a gun because it's not necessary. He can talk to people, and nearly every time he's able to diffuse a situation. When the family of hillbillies known as The Darlins "invite" Aunt B to their cabin because the patriarch's in love with her, Andy has two choices. He could arrest them all for kidnapping or he could find another way to change their mind. Andy takes Option B, realizing that the Darlins have no concept of kidnapping or the legal consequences.

But Andy has his own faults, namely the fact that he's a habitual liar. He has no qualms about slipping a white lie to spare someone from having their feelings hurt. In one episode, when Barney gets scared off by two fruit salesmen operating without a vending permit, Andy tells them that Barney is a regular sociopath who'd just as soon gun down a man for looking at him. They next time they meet, Barney inadvertently scares the crap out of them when his hand brushes his holster. He then decides to walk around bragging about his little friend who can "talk louder."

--As an aside, let's go further into this lying business. The only episode of Leave It To Beaver I can remember is the one where Beaver gets a job as a caddy for a rich guy. During one game, the man fixes the score so he can win a bet with his friend. When Beaver threatens to quit and the man decides to correct his decision. But does he apologize to his friend and hand over the money? No! He plays him in another game and cheats, again, so he deliberately loses! It's a blatant example of moral relativism and poor Beaver walks away with a mixed message.--

So I'll ask again, why do I have anything negative to say about this show?

Because 40 years ago, the idea of a cop with a god complex was laughable.

Today, Barney Fief would be best friends with another character, Warren. This guy came to temporarily fill Barney's position in a brief plot twist. Unlike Barney, this guy was looking for trouble. The first episode involving this character shows him using a tape measure to determine if someone has parked too far from the curb. Pleased with the discovery of an infraction, he smiles, shakes his head, and proceeds to write a ticket. Later that day, Warren finds a group of ladies playing bingo for donated prizes. He immediately arrests all two dozen for gambling and hauls them away in a big truck.

When Andy confronts him, Warren says, "I took a solemn oath to uphold the law!" To demonstrate the idiocy of his decision, Andy asks Warren if he'd like to bet on something. When Warren agrees, Andy arrests HIM for gambling and explains the whole "not the letter of the law, but the spirit" and why the charges should be dropped.

Today, Barney would be charged for gross incompetence and Warren for police brutality. But no one could touch them because they would both be in a union, protected by the dogma of officer safety and budget paranoia.

And people think our generation's the one that screwed up...

[Kadnine]

Hmmm....

Doubly ironic, as actor Don Knots was a Paris Island Drill Instructor, and by every account I've heard a fearsome one! But I'm all for limited gov, a sentiment which seems on the decline these days. point taken, Harb.

- Keith

[Frailer]

Doubly ironic, as actor Don Knots was a Paris Island Drill Instructor...

No, he wasn't.

[scorpionmain]

Doubly ironic, as actor Don Knots was a Paris Island Drill Instructor, and by every account I've heard a fearsome one!

...and Mr. Rogers was a tattooed Marine sharpshooter & Navy Seal; he's supposed to have had something like 150 "kills" in the Vietnam War.

[Frailer]

And Captain Kangaroo was a CIA assassin.

[WLJ]

And Captain Kangaroo was a CIA assassin.

I knew it!

[ChopperDoc]

And Captain Kangaroo was a CIA assassin.

You are mistaken. That was Mr GreenJeans. CPT Kangaroo was a merchant marine.

[Kadnine]

Well I'll be! Snopes.com and a few other sites confirm that Knotts was Army, a troop entertainer, but not a Marine DI. Double-double irony as it was one of my own Marine DIs who told me Knotts was a also a Marine DI! I was aware that the tatted up Fred Rodgers rumor was false, but here I was thinking Knotts was an infantryman for the last ten years!

Good to know.

But Bob Keeshan, (Captain Kangaroo) was Activated Marine Corps Reserve, tho he he never saw combat. Not Merchant Marines, Doc. Least I'm right on something! Haha!

- K

[Warthog]

Who was Barney Fief?

[Frailer]

It was Captain Kangeroo. Mr. Moose was his spotter.

[Kadnine]

Tho I did once get a chance to meet this guy:

Meet SGT Taliano -

taliano.jpg (169.79 KiB) Viewed 183 times

In his words [paraphrased], "I was just as green as they were back then, but it was my job to prepare men for war. Not a job to be taken lightly."

- K